victoria beckham

It's the pout, dear reader. I just can't effin stand it. Well, the pout, and the slight tilt of the head. Oh, and the way she always appears to be placing both hands on David's chest whenever they're photographed together, as if to say, this b*tch is mine. Which is nice for him, I'm sure. I hope. Well, for his sake, that is. Personally, it'd get on my wobbleblossoms big time.

But the pout - well, that's in a league of hell all its own. Why on earth does she feel compelled to stick both lips out, as if she's about to vacuum clean the photographers in front of her? And the way the lips form into a sort of horrifying 'O' shape (when she's not doing a rictus grin type). You know and I know what it looks like. Are you going to force me to blurt it out? Do I really have to say? Oh, gwon then: a SEX doll's (well, according to how they appear on films. Obviously, I've never seen one up close and personal -you filthy cur for thinking it. Actually, I confess that it's unlikely I'd even be able to get it on with a doll - one lay from me, and the thing would burst - and no, not cos I'm saying it'd be so full of love moistness, dear; no, my colossal, heaving weight).

So why would anyone want to pout like a sex doll, knowing full well that the media will plaster such photos of her gob all over the place? It's so bizarre. Why isn't she embarrassed, instead? Why doesn't she effin stop with that? I can only surmise that she thinks she looks sexy or sensual by doing so. What do you reckon? In addition to which, no one close to her has ever told her (in the way that many individuals never say anything to you when you have a visible snotflake in your nose - it's just too shuddering and embarrassing to say, innit? In case you're wondering, I always tell the person, and preferably from a distance.).

So she just carries on pouting away, thinking Ooh, I'm sensual. Ooh, yes. Ooh. Um. No, Vicky love - you ain't. You look like you're about to do something incredibly skanky that will require immediate use of industrial strength mouthwash.

So here are my top tips to help her look like a 'Victoria', instead of a Vicky Pollard:

• Keep the mouth closed.


• Ensure that she also doesn't purse her lips (which makes her look like she's tasting something that a certain type of doll might be forced to gag on) and, finally


• She should please, please make sure that she never, ever goes near the letter 'O' again.

And then I reckon she'd be alright. Well, not embarrassing, anyway.

It's a shame really because, apart from the fact that she thinks she's beautiful - a self-perception I suspect that's attributable to selective vision, so that when she looks in a mirror, she somehow overlooks the centre of it, where she would ordinarily see her nose; and a few inches below that, where she'd ordinarily see her 'O' vacuum cleaner pout - and therefore thinks she's not a joke on the catwalk - and apart from the fact that she's freakishly skinny with legs that look like they'd snap on being tapped. Well, apart from these things, she's alright. Um...as long as she doesn't really say anything, either. Sorry, I forgot about that.

Note re photograph: This scary picture was collected freely from the internet and is believed to be public domain. If you own the copyright to this image, please send an email to perspectiveiskey@yahoo.co.uk and Bobbyg will remove it.